Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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