i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You made out with two different species that night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
