yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
