Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
