Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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