I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
