every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
