Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
