Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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