One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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