i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
