I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
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Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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