??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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