why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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