i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
