I just saw a hot homeless man
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
