he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
