did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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