Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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