The maid of honor just puked.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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