my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
