Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize