thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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