Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
