He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
