Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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