I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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