My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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