I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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