i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
