You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
