Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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