Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
