Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
