So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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