i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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