There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
