so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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