i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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