My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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