she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
