I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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