my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
