The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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