to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
