I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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