I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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