I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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