i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
