saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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