I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
