Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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