the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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