i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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