Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
